RESILIENCE – bouncing back from difficult experiences
Resilience seems to be the latest buzz word for the Covid-19 world we find ourselves in, so I’m putting it down on paper to explain exactly what this word entails, and does it actually help!
Resilience is a word that refers to how a person deals positively in the face of pressure, tough times, setbacks and challenges, and the ability to overcome obstacles. It has to do with emotional strength when there are barriers, or limited resources. It is a measure of how much you want something and how much you are willing to overcome obstacles. Not always easy, so with time and support it is possible to develop as a step by step process.
To summarise:
- The external and internal triggers (‘What started this?’)
- The primary and secondary emotions (‘What am I feeling?’)
- The automatic thoughts, self-talk, expectations, beliefs (‘What am I thinking?’)
- The behavioural reactions and responses of others (‘What am I doing?’)
These four components may operate and become a vicious cycle. Sometimes you to from 1 (triggers) to 4 (behavioural reactions) and then 2 (feelings) and then 3 (self-talk) which influences how you view future 1 (triggers) events. Sometimes you can generate further stress so this can become a vicious cycle.
So how can you break such a vicious cycle in your life? What are the events (1-triggers) prompting your reactions? What are your interpretations, assumptions and thoughts (3-self-talk) about these events? Can you find better ways to break the cycle? Can you view perceived ‘threats’ (1-triggers) as ‘problems-to-be solved’? Can you control, tolerate, accept, share your emotions (2-feelings)? Can you change your self-talk (3-self-talk)? Can you behave differently and elicit different reactions from others (4-behavioural reactions)?
So, as you begin to answer these questions, realise there are many entry-points to break the vicious cycle. Try this exercise and it will help you begin to become more resilient. The aim being to respond with confidence, control and energy. To have the ability to effectively deal with setbacks, pressure, perceived negative feedback and stress, and are able to cope when the going gets tough.
In the family environment, often boys highly value having a say in things, having choices in their life. The more input they have into the decisions that affect them, the greater their sense of control. Giving boys more responsibility gives a sense of control. Providing them with clear feedback and boundaries. Responsibility gives a feeling of being treated more like an adult and they rise to the occasion. Even if he makes the wrong choice or decision, he should be given an opportunity to reflect and learn from that so he can make more effective decisions next time.
Girls on the other hand are often more focused than boys on developing skills, understanding new things, personal bests and solving problems. They are more persistent when it comes to difficult or challenging situations. Girls are more inclined to plan and check their progress, knowing when they have done well, putting fewer obstacles in their path to success. Girls strengths commonly lie in learning focus, persistence, planning and management and they need to be sustained. It is important to work with both boys and girls to recognise and sustain their strengths
Developing resilience is finding your talents and strengths, not exaggerating the flaws allowing the strengths to lie dormant and neglected.
Building your resilience
We all experience challenges, be it everyday challenges or more traumatic events with more lasting impact. Each change affects people differently, affecting our thoughts and strong emotions and uncertainty. How well we adapt in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress are different for everyone.
Resilience involves behaviours, thoughts and actions that anyone can learn and develop. It takes time and intentionality. Focusing on core components – connection, wellness, healthy thinking, purpose and meaning can empower you to withstand and learn from difficult and traumatic experiences.
- Choosing relationships – connecting with empathetic and understanding people can remind you that you’re not alone. Find trustworthy and compassionate people who will validate your feelings, supporting the skill of resilience. Remaining isolated does not help, ask for help and support from those who care.
- Promote wellness – take care of your body, physically and emotionally. Promote proper nutrition, sleep, hydration and regular exercise. This will reduce the toll of emotions like anxiety or depression. Mindfulness; yoga and other spiritual practices like meditation also help us remain grounded. Journaling can uncover positive aspects of your life and develop gratitude. Focus on giving your body resources to manage stress, rather than seeding to eliminate the feeling of stress altogether.
- Find purpose – helping others, supporting friends can create a sense of purpose, and foster self-worth. Spend time developing your top strengths, be curious to know what your strengths are, and also your limitations and where there needs work. Goals are important, even the smallest and acknowledge your accomplishments no matter how small. This moves you toward things you want to accomplish. Ask yourself, “What’s achievable that I can accomplish today that moves me in the direction of my goals?” It’s a journey of self-discovery; be curious.
- Embrace healthy thoughts – how we think can play a big part in how we feel – do you tend to catastrophise difficulties or assume the world is out to get you? Or can you be more realistic about things you struggle with and are challenged by? It’s about how we interpret and respond; we are not helpless! Change is a part of life; we may not always attain what we think we can as a result of adverse situations in life. Accepting circumstance that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
- Maintain a positive outlook – it’s hard to do this when life isn’t going your way. Being optimistic empowers you to expect that good things will happen to you. Visualise what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. Notice the shifts when you start to feel better as you deal with difficult situations.
- Learn from your past – looking back at what was helpful in times of distress, you can discover how you can respond more effectively to new difficult situations. Notice your strengths and say, ‘what have I learned from these experiences?’
- Seeking help – this is a crucial part of building resilience. Even with all the above resources, at times you may get stuck and need to be able to seek support. Family, friends and professional people may help you develop another strategy for moving forward. Who do you feel most at ease with? Family, friends or sometimes a professional therapist.
Whether you are in a first or biological family or a stepfamily resilience will be challenged on many levels, one day you’ll feel like you’re on top of it all, then the next it’s ‘what just hit me’! I always think what children go through learning just to get through the day with new experiences and trying to reason out the challenges of making sense of the world.
Always remember you are not alone. You may not be able to control everything, but you can focus on life’s challenges by learning from them. It’s a balancing act, take care of all parts of your life as mentioned above concentrating on connection, wellness, healthy thinking, purpose and meaning.
Susan Lancaster, Stepfamily Counselling
www.stepfamilycounselling.com.au
Acknowledgements: American Psychological Association; Don Meichenbaum; Andrew Martin
