When setting up my private practice in Sydney, I chose to specialise in stepfamilies as Sydney had limited resources and professional guidance back then. As a young step mum, I wish I had guidance when starting life as a step mum.
So, after my Postgraduate in Psychotherapy Studies, I set out to become informed about stepfamilies. Fortunately, I was able to train with Jeannette Lofas in New York city with the Stepfamily Foundation also with Lisa Doodson of Happy Steps in London. And I continue to expand on this knowledge primarily through my clients, who teach me so much.
The topic of this year’s Ultimate Stepfamily Summit 2023 is Mindset, hosted by Claudette Chenevert of the Stepmom Coach, which I was fortunate to be a guest speaker at and speak on Considered Listening and the mindset of spousal mindset to parent mindse
Mindset is the lens through which we view our world—often driven by our values which steer how we make decisions and behave.
A healthy mindset is being open to expanding our sense of self, enabling us to live a much richer life experience.
Learning to grow means having the determination and flexibility to address issues from new angles. Essential when moving into stepfamily life. Here I explain the transition that we go through from a biological family life to a new stepfamily life.
Spousal Mindset
Deciding to create a family together is a decision you make together. You evolve together and get used to the flow of family life over time. The family becomes how you make sense of your world.
When this comes to an end, this 'flow' becomes blocked for whatever reason. But there remains a trickle for some time as you live as separate parents to your children. Often with feelings of grief, loss, guilt, and shame, and for the children confusion.
You are now single parents. And this comes with responsibilities—obligation and duty to your children. The sooner you can change your attitude to amicable co-parenting from spousal parenting, the quicker you can adjust to a new flow of family life.
The need to move from a fixed mindset about family life to a growth mindset, as Carol Dweck, in her influential book about motivation, 'Mindset', suggests we move to a time of growth and a different perspective.
Then we are ready to move to re-partnering with an open mind to creating family life in a stepfamily. Merging people from prior families is complex and presents many communication challenges for parents, stepparents, and children. Communication becomes more manageable if they adapt to what I like to call Considered Listening.
When we listen in a conversation, our thoughts, self-talk, and evaluation are faster than the spoken word. And when the emotions kick in, that is total shutdown, and hearing is reduced considerably.
For example:
Step mum says to the biological father,
"I feel your daughter doesn't respect me; she is often rude and ignores me. I know she is a terrific kid, and I like her. Can we look at how we could work on my relationship with her"?
Well, Dad shuts down at "ignores me"! His automatic thoughts to defend and protect his daughter override anything said. And he is triggered into an emotional state of anger and humiliation. He was thinking with his feelings rather than reason, missing the opportunity for growth.
Of course, step-mum must learn to give positive information before negative information and 'think before she speaks'!
Critical feedback will trigger bio-Dad and send him into an immediate fixed mindset; the other way around, giving positive feedback first you can capture his attention and create room for a growth mindset.
Considered listening makes it possible for a considered dialogue. Giving feedback in a way that it's more likely to be received in the way we intend it to be heard. This consideration allows people to understand other viewpoints without opposing different perspectives. It’s an occasion to frame a problem together, voicing your views on an issue. Often neglected in stepfamilies as emotions run high and conflict often erupts. It’s about listening to understand.
The renowned scientist David Bohm believed that ‘genuine, supportive dialogue could broaden and unify conflicting and troublesome divisions in the social world’. This supportive dialogue promotes equal status in a shared, free space forming a structure of fairness and equal power. Communication and differing personal beliefs are essential. The focus is on the thought process of the communication – this is adopting a ‘growth mindset’.
Step Mum wants to find out what's causing her partner's daughter to reject her, and she is willing to learn how to create a better relationship with his daughter.
Bio Dad responds angrily, and so the spiral of unhealthy discourse disrupts and changes the opportunity for growth in the relationship. Our thoughts and emotions distort what we say and hear. So often when clients come to me, saying, 'We can't communicate'!
So much can go wrong resulting from someone not hearing something or getting it distorted, and the effectiveness of the spoken word depends not so much on how people talk but on how they listen.
So, what affects our listening ability?
One factor is that we think much faster than we talk. We assemble our thoughts, letting them take priority rather than listening to the words spoken to us, making concentrating on the spoken word harder. We are trying to listen, but our thoughts are getting in the way.
Growth Mindset
To listen well, we must focus our thinking time to find the meaning behind what the speaker is trying to say; it's an attitude we need to adopt—also observing the non-verbal inferences and listening between the lines and anticipating what may be the outcome of the speaker. What is the idea the speaker is transmitting?
Then we have our emotions that can act as a filter to what we want to and not want to hear. We need to hear the speaker out, withhold evaluation, and question ourselves, 'What can I learn here about the speaker and myself'? Is this an opportunity to re-evaluate my beliefs? Is this an opportunity for growth? It's not just about you and me, but about us!
- Pause before listening to quiet the mind.
- Choose to tune into the other person – focus on the spoken word and their intent – the body language, tone of voice and emotions.
- By genuinely connecting with others builds trust and shows that we care
If we can do this, others are more likely to listen with consideration to us. I hope that listening can be modelled for our children so life in stepfamilies can be happier and more harmonious.
Susan Lancaster
I talked about this topic as guest speaker at The Stepfamily Summit 2023.
