Do you look forward to the holidays, or does it fill you with dread? Let’s talk about it!
It's been about adjusting your perspective on managing your holidays in stepfamily life. The first step is to foster gratitude with a more positive view of the bigger picture. It's easy to get stuck in negative feelings; impatience, intolerance, resentment, negative judgement and anger can rise and take over. Gratitude is the antidote to these emotions; it reduces depression, anxiety, stress and feeling like a victim. Gratitude takes practice; it's about noticing when your stepson puts away his toys without being asked, or your stepdaughter helps clean up after a meal and thanking them for it. Noticing the positive actions will build your resilience when the negative actions appear.
Anxiety and negative anticipation have the power to virtually ruin our experience by the time the actual event arrives. The lead-up to the holidays can leave a very bitter taste in your mouth. Realising that you and your partner have differing expectations of how things should be. It's important to merge these ideas and expectations into one.
My husband, sadly, as an only child with his single mother, didn't have Christmas, and for me, coming from a large family with five children was a very different experience. Now, for him, it has become something of a delight to look forward to something he never had as a child. I take joy in seeing him think about this time with the family, and it helps me create the happiest time for the children and him. Something I took for granted; he is so grateful to now have. However, he thinks holidays happen and tells me what a great job I've done. So, his contribution then is to open his wallet.
I often set myself to higher standards and have unrealistic expectations of my role and responsibilities. I tend to go into overdrive, creating stress, anxiety, resentment, and feeling underappreciated. But I do it to myself.
Self-care is essential. Attending to the needs of others rather than myself often backfires. Over the years, I have learned to ask for help so I will feel supported. If I'm doing all the work while the others all have fun, that's when the resentment sets in. So, I need to speak up.
Nothing is more important than your well-being. Ensure you eat right, get enough sleep, and find time for yourself. Anxiety can creep in; it's the fear or dread we experience emotionally, so watch out for it and regulate your emotions by focusing on your breathing and asking for help. It's your holiday, too. It's okay to step back sometimes, and you might be surprised by how others can take care of preparations so you can relax and feel happy, healthy, and refreshed.
Planning is key, but be willing to be flexible, open-minded, and aware of the impact you and your partner's decisions have on the kids. Find out what each family member expects and see if it's achievable. Ask yourselves what experiences we want the family to remember in the future. Please commit to the family's joy rather than getting stuck on what we must do.
In our family, my stepdaughter's ex is a Jewish man living in New York City, and their boys practise some Jewish traditions, though somewhat loosely. We are from an Anglican background, so we have combined these two traditions to create the stepfamily traditions that are unique to us around Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Hanukkah. These traditions have evolved over the years and have become something we see as a joy, not a difference.
When they visit us in Sydney, they bring a Christmas tree and a traditional turkey dinner, with Jewish grace. They celebrate Thanksgiving in New York. So, play around with ideas and make it fun!
Communication could be more transparent in stepfamilies. What you want to say is only sometimes possible. Will I look bad? Will I be judged? Will it cause friction? Communicating your needs, wants, and desires takes patience and practice. Communicate without blame or anger, stick to the issue and come up with solutions together, no matter how hard this may be. Decide on the rules and responsibilities and back each other up. Your goal here is collaboration and clarity. Being clear on coming together makes potentially fraught moments and interactions simpler.
Communication is not just about speaking but about listening by giving the other person our full attention and understanding. Inquire about what you hear so the other person will know you understand them. We need to feel heard and understood and have our feelings acknowledged. It's about connection and feeling safe to speak up without feeling we will be criticised or judged. If we show up with respect and consideration, it helps others reciprocate.
Here Are Some Tips For The Holidays
1. Expectations and holidays can often trigger grief in stepfamilies. What has come before for your partner, what's lost for the children, grief in the ex-spouse making changes from one year to the next? And grief in you over what you have compared to what you thought you might experience. Grief affects how we usually act. There can be friction. So, allow these feelings to exist and talk about them.
Of course, watch out for social media; it is only sometimes accurate. If we try to live up to what is on social media, we understand that this is an unrealistic expectation.
Discuss with your partner what you want to instil in your children. How much do you want to spend on gifts? Are there other ways to show how we value our children? Time is one; the gift of time for each other has enormous value. What experiences can we share? Keep the focus on giving, not getting.
I took my grandson shopping for family gifts. The joy he felt in this made him feel a part of the celebration, and when he gave out the gifts, the delight he felt was better than receiving them.
2. Limit your activities. You can be at home together, cooking, eating, playing games, or finding time for yourselves. Keep it calm and limit visits to others. It's enough for the children to visit Dad or perhaps Mom. There needs to be time for relaxation and recovery. Decide together what you will and won't do during the holidays.
3. Boundaries need to be discussed with the family; if Gran Ma, Gran Pa, or anyone else wants to have you over, ensure it's well-planned and will suit you all. And if it's not, let them know kindly if it just won't work for you.
Don't be afraid to set boundaries gracefully and politely and stick to them. There can be feelings like of loss and old traditions. They can feel the loss, but you create new traditions if you stick to your plan. It becomes more manageable, and the family will notice this.
4. Planning: You have your plan, but things can change. Ask yourself how the change of plans affects each of the family members. Will it tire them out? How will they react? Maybe they don't want to do whatever suddenly changes your plan. Will it add to the fun, or will it require more work? You can allow flexibility, but on your family's terms, without feeling guilty. Keep focused on the bigger picture that you are trying to create.
5. Holidays are about creating "magic," especially for children. In the early years, you will realise that your current situation may not match your previous vision of holiday time. Accepting that holidays change schedules, kids stay up late; mealtimes change, finances are tested, and trying to meet everyone's needs may always be possible.
6. Gratitude: It's important to practise gratitude, be kind to your spouse and children, and be kind to yourself, your ex and extended family. Ensure you have worked out with your ex-spouse the actual days or times you will have the kids, and ensure they are clear to everyone. Then, prioritise your time appropriately. Get the negotiations out of the way as soon as possible. When plans change, pause, step back and look for the "magic" within the mess and chaos!
Gratitude is the most excellent antidote to stress and anxiety. It helps us reset and gives us perspective. When we practise it, it sets off a chain reaction of positive benefits.
7. Time: Being together doesn't mean you have to do everything together. Some of you would like to go to the beach, while others may enjoy watching movies or shopping. You can all come back together at mealtimes, and the conversation will be more lively and more interesting as you share what you've done during the day. It took me years to realise this, but it makes for a much more relaxed time together.
I hope this has helped you with your holiday planning and reduced some of the anxiety that can be felt in the lead-up to the holiday season. I hope you all manage your holidays with joy and happiness.
A simple reminder is something I came up with to take what can sometimes be a highly complex topic of how to manage the holidays and something easy to remember and apply during the holidays. So, I call it the GAP method = Gratitude, Acceptance and Planning and, of course, a sense of humour, and remember to use it!
